I didn’t keep my promise (to myself) to be able to speak Japanese by the end of August. Mainly because I was waiting for a friend of mine to give me back a japanese tutoring book.. but the guy took his time. So by the time he gave it back to me, my attention was already drawn by other interests. In general, I can do many things at once, but I also end up mastering none of what I did.
I’m usually the kind of person who wants to do everything, but I often forget that knowing everything does not mean perfection. A great knowledge that is not being used practically is time wasted, whereas if you take a man with little knowledge but great ability to convey and employ it in real life, you can deduce the man’s wit.
I’m not a witty person. It hurts to know that. But even though my brother I. tells me so only to irritate me, I know firmly enough that I’m not. Sometimes what people say with the only purpose to annoy or joke, is really what they subconsciously think.
I have wasted a lot of time throughout the years, I don’t think I want to waste any anymore. The only exploit I’ve done so far is to write a novel, but that was rather a challenge with my brother I., and myself. He says I never finish anything I start. Hell yes I never do, I’m aware of it myself but the thought of it makes me sick (Example: Japanese). Still, I wanted to show him that he was wrong, just for the sake of my self esteem. I’m not really proud of the novel much, I wanted to.. sort of blossom in writing it, whereas I just hastened it so it can be ready by the end of August 09.
So yeah, that was due to my greedy nature: wanting to do everything, believing that I was taking profit of my time to the most. Actually that was just hell of a wasted time, and energy consuming.
What do I know now? A little bit of religions, psychology, science, litterature.. It’s crazy how little I know, yet it still motivates me to learn more. A friend once told me that it maddens him to see someone who knows better than he does. But shouldn’t it rather kindle the fire of competition and challenge within you? When I see someone that knows better than me, it’s reassuring in some ways. Even though it belittles my self esteem, it lets me know that I still have something to look forward to, that I have someone to catch up with, and so on, following that sort of hierarchy..
Now very recently did I start to learn german. I settled myself. I made my goal. I don’t want to give it up again. To be honest, I don’t want to ever give up anything I start. Languages are my hobby of all times, but I don’t want it to be something I like, I want it to be something I’m dying for.
That’s the difference between will and desire.